I wanted to take a quick moment and thank you for your fellowship. As I write and manage this blog, my emotions and experiences are all still very raw. Our journey to reconciliation is only six months along. It is my hope that sharing our recovery details will help others to know that they are not alone in their pain, that these circumstances are not entirely hopeless or better yet, to show that our situation is avoidable.
Depending on our current circumstances, which can change daily or hourly, it may take more time between posts. I sometimes have entries ready to share, when a reminder, dark attack or major triumph alters my emotions and in turn, sends me straight into edit mode.
As I continue to share our journey, I hope that it becomes clear as to why this is more than a “self-help” blog. I consider this a ministry and I pray over every shared detail. My mission is never to blame or harm anyone but rather to share how evil found its way into our previously happy marriage. Also, I’m not a counselor, minister or professional writer. I am a simple Christian wife and mother with a love for my savior and a desire to help others witness the undeniable love from God, even amidst one of life’s most difficult, but avoidable struggles.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6
It is no wonder that in this day of reality television, extreme talent shows, criminal celebrities and social media sensations that many people seek their value in receiving the accolades of others. Daily, we see performers being idolized for doing mundane tasks or being promoted by an industry for manipulating something into what they call talent. At the very least, we call it “entertainment” but to some it becomes a lifestyle goal. Some people see these behaviors as a means to “become somebody”…to become a “rock star.” What they are missing, however, is the simple truth that value can never found in the judgment of others. We already have our worth in the eyes of God.
I think back when my husband and I were in the first years of our marriage. I’m sure I made my husband feel like a rock star. I looked at him with dreamy eyes. I gushed over him at social gatherings and he walked a little taller with his arm around my shoulders. We couldn’t wait to be seen together in public and got giddy at the idea of meeting backstage. We relished the infatuation we receive from each other — I had become his biggest fan.
Don’t take this the wrong way. I have a deep appreciation for music but let’s face it, even the most talented of rock stars fades over time. It’s not that they lost their talent, but more that the audience and environment has changed. Sure, many rock stars have the staying power to become classics or better yet, enter the hall of fame, but we listen to those with a hint of subliminal sadness as we remember the “good ol’ days.”
I remember vividly seeing my husband play the drums for the first time on stage and standing at the front of the crowd like, “yes ladies, he rocks and he’s all mine.” I also remember the added benefit of meeting him backstage at the end of the night. Oh, so dreamy. The technical name for this state of mind is limerence. Limerence is that intense feeling of attraction and desire. It is what brings us together, but it is not what sustains a relationship.
While my husband was enjoying the rock star status, I had actually viewed him as a super hero. He was there to pick me up on my stressful days and don his cape to proudly provide for his family. Being an independent person, I didn’t want someone to simply take care of me. I needed someone who would let me grow and flourish but recognize the distress signals and swoop in to save me from life’s disasters.
I, and most wives that I know, don’t mind handling the mundane tasks required to run a family machine. Maintaining the house, providing family meals, driving the school carpool kids, being room-mom and trying to contribute financially to the family were welcomed responsibilities. I did this happily (tiredly) and willingly for the good of our family. However, there were times when I needed the strength of a super hero to lift me up emotionally, spiritually and physically.
After several mundanely comfortable and distracted years of marriage, my husband longed for that rock star status as I searched desperately for my super hero.
The demise of our marriage started slowly. As most professionals will tell you “bad marriages don’t cause affairs, bad choices do.” So why did this loyal rock star/super hero of 18 years eventually choose to make such devastating choices? Simply and sadly, by our habit of not seeking and revealing the truth FROM God and IN each other. I mistakenly disregarded this as “a season” of our marriage and assumed it would pass. I chalked his ego building actions up to the disappointment of working a dead-end job. He took my coldness, caused by my disappointment of not finding my super hero, as a push to search for approval outside our marriage.
How sad is it really, that we both were desperate for each other but in our desperation, pushed each other away?
The bitterness that we were both feeling towards each other, as we blamed each other for not fulfilling our needs, had opened up an entrance of which evil easily found. It is said that the devil doesn’t come dressed in a red suit with horns; he comes dressed in everything we think we want. How very true. Some find him in a bottle, others in pornography or an addiction. For us he came in the temptation of a careless and gluttonous lifestyle. Boundaries became unprotected and eventually crossed.
Even though the vows were broken through the careless lifestyle that we had accepted as “fun” and “happy” the true destruction was that we looked to find our fulfillment in each other and not Christ. God is the only one who can truly make us feel like a rock star or be our super hero. HE is powerful enough to fill our egos and desperation. Only His love is grace enough for us to fill the hearts of our spouses. We only need to be honest with Him and our spouse for us to find that rock star and super hero we are longing for.
Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4 (NIV)
Broken and Poured Out 