Broken and Poured Out

No marriage is ever beyond God's redeeming grace.

Category Archives: Faith


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He wanted to be a Rock Star. I needed a Super Hero.

It is no wonder that in this day of reality television, extreme talent shows, criminal celebrities and social media sensations that many people seek their value in receiving the accolades of others. Daily, we see performers being idolized for doing mundane tasks or being promoted by an industry for manipulating something into what they call talent. At the very least, we call it “entertainment” but to some it becomes a lifestyle goal. Some people see these behaviors as a means to “become somebody”…to become a “rock star.” What they are missing, however, is the simple truth that value can never found in the judgment of others. We already have our worth in the eyes of God.

I think back when my husband and I were in the first years of our marriage. I’m sure I made my husband feel like a rock star. I looked at him with dreamy eyes. I gushed over him at social gatherings and he walked a little taller with his arm around my shoulders. We couldn’t wait to be seen together in public and got giddy at the idea of meeting backstage. We relished the infatuation we receive from each other — I had become his biggest fan.

Don’t take this the wrong way. I have a deep appreciation for music but let’s face it, even the most talented of rock stars fades over time. It’s not that they lost their talent, but more that the audience and environment has changed. Sure, many rock stars have the staying power to become classics or better yet, enter the hall of fame, but we listen to those with a hint of subliminal sadness as we remember the “good ol’ days.”

I remember vividly seeing my husband play the drums for the first time on stage and standing at the front of the crowd like, “yes ladies, he rocks and he’s all mine.” I also remember the added benefit of meeting him backstage at the end of the night. Oh, so dreamy. The technical name for this state of mind is limerence. Limerence is that intense feeling of attraction and desire. It is what brings us together, but it is not what sustains a relationship.

While my husband was enjoying the rock star status, I had actually viewed him as a super hero. He was there to pick me up on my stressful days and don his cape to proudly provide for his family. Being an independent person, I didn’t want someone to simply take care of me. I needed someone who would let me grow and flourish but recognize the distress signals and swoop in to save me from life’s disasters.

I, and most wives that I know, don’t mind handling the mundane tasks required to run a family machine. Maintaining the house, providing family meals, driving the school carpool kids, being room-mom and trying to contribute financially to the family were welcomed responsibilities. I did this happily (tiredly) and willingly for the good of our family. However, there were times when I needed the strength of a super hero to lift me up emotionally, spiritually and physically.

After several mundanely comfortable and distracted years of marriage, my husband longed for that rock star status as I searched desperately for my super hero.

The demise of our marriage started slowly. As most professionals will tell you “bad marriages don’t cause affairs, bad choices do.” So why did this loyal rock star/super hero of 18 years eventually choose to make such devastating choices? Simply and sadly, by our habit of not seeking and revealing the truth FROM God and IN each other. I mistakenly disregarded this as “a season” of our marriage and assumed it would pass. I chalked his ego building actions up to the disappointment of working a dead-end job. He took my coldness, caused by my disappointment of not finding my super hero, as a push to search for approval outside our marriage.

How sad is it really, that we both were desperate for each other but in our desperation, pushed each other away?

The bitterness that we were both feeling towards each other, as we blamed each other for not fulfilling our needs, had opened up an entrance of which evil easily found. It is said that the devil doesn’t come dressed in a red suit with horns; he comes dressed in everything we think we want. How very true. Some find him in a bottle, others in pornography or an addiction. For us he came in the temptation of a careless and gluttonous lifestyle. Boundaries became unprotected and eventually crossed.

Even though the vows were broken through the careless lifestyle that we had accepted as “fun” and “happy” the true destruction was that we looked to find our fulfillment in each other and not Christ. God is the only one who can truly make us feel like a rock star or be our super hero. HE is powerful enough to fill our egos and desperation. Only His love is grace enough for us to fill the hearts of our spouses. We only need to be honest with Him and our spouse for us to find that rock star and super hero we are longing for.

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.  Psalm 37:4 (NIV)


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Shattered

Let’s start with the beginning of the end. I have two beautiful kids, a cute little house in an adorable small town, great friends, a nice church and I’m married to my best friend, Doug. So how is it that one day this spring, my entire life completely shattered?

Early this spring my husband came to me sharing that he had been unfaithful. To say that I was completely blindsided is an understatement. The word “devastated” only glances on the surface of the feelings that I had. I guess I had always considered us “affair proof.” I guess I was wrong.

My husband and I were approaching our 20th wedding anniversary. Sure, we’ve had some ups and downs and sometimes a little staleness, but I never doubted “us” for a second. We’ve faced many challenging blows during our marriage; the loss of grandparents, issues with infertility, the loss of a baby, previous relationship poachers, caring for an ailing parent, recovery from an online addiction, losing a father unexpectedly, navigating a financial crisis, and most recently, having our home ripped apart by tornado. But, with every blow that we have faced, we have emerged stronger…except for now.

My marriage was now over. All hope was lost.

Immediately after the discovery, I went into survival mode. I guess I had gotten used to “surviving” after piecing our lives back together after a tornado took our house in November. I had things to secure, children to counsel, a house to rebuild, my job and coaching obligations to maintain. I gave no thought to the idea of reconciliation at the time. My prayers had gone from praising God for His many blessings one day, to begging God for mercy and guidance the next.

I began preparing for the worst. The reality was, within four months, I had gone from a wife and mother in a middle class American neighborhood, to a single, homeless mom with nothing but a few totes of clothes and boxes of mud covered belongings. My job, although I loved it, was not a career for which I could support two children and myself. I therefore began the process of going back into the corporate world, a world that I hadn’t been part of in twelve years. I was ready though. I would do whatever it took to take care of my kids. (See, there’s that survival mode again.)

With the support of many wonderful friends, I faced every day head on and I leaned heavily on my faith. It certainly was not easy, but if I took it hour-by-hour (sometimes minute-by-minute) and leaned on God and those who cared for me, I could manage the daily tasks. It wasn’t until several months later that friends and family began sharing with me that as I was preparing to walk away from everything I knew, everyone else began praying for my husband and me. They were praying for us…even when I wasn’t.

I have never, ever doubted the power of prayer or my faith in God. I know that God is capable of changing anything at any time in the name of His love however, I had given up His ability to restore my husband and our marriage. I shudder at the very thought of me saying “giving up on God” but essentially, that is what I had done. I am not proud to admit that I had given up on Him, but I will happily scream from a rooftop that God never gave up on me.

It is my hope, that as I share my experience of hitting rock bottom, and the climb back out, that I might be able to give hope to you in your struggle. Let me warn you though, getting to the place of hope and healing is not easy or quick. In fact, most professionals will tell you that it TAKES YEARS of doing hard work in order to learn to trust and restore a peaceful heart. This is a difficult concept to grasp as we are living in an age of instant answers and gratification, but it is not impossible. If I can challenge you with one request it is if you can get gratification within a moment, then just hang on for one moment and then one moment more.

But the Lord stood with me and gave me strength. 2 Timothy 4:17


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Lay all the jagged pieces in the wide open.

Whenever I hear the word broken, I usually think it refers to something that can be fixed, usually using some sort of adhesive, like tape or glue. Using my artistic background, I’ve become pretty good at fixing things. I’m one of those people who has often been called “crafty” and “artsy fartsy” by friends. It’s not hard for me to identify the resources needed to fix something to where it’s barely noticeable when finished. It might involve a little custom matched touch-up paint but when I get done, it’s usually as good as new. However, this spring, no amount of adhesive or touch up paint could repair the brokenness that we faced in our marriage. The only remedy for THIS fix was to lay all the jagged and shattered pieces in the wide open a leave it up to someone with much greater power, to put it back together. Of course, we would need the help of others to help us sort through the pieces…sort of like dividing up your edge pieces from your center pieces in a puzzle, but ultimately, the assembly had to come from the hand of God, himself.

What will follow is our journey of putting down our touch-up paint and glue and allowing God to put our pieces of brokenness back together in His way. I have chosen to share our story in hopes that others will see that God can redeem even the most hopeless of marriages. Keep in mind that we are still on our journey of healing and do not yet know what our final sculpture will look like, but if you would like to join us, we invite you along.